My dilemma
I was on the phone with my mom last night, telling her how M. and I are going to come up to the Cape the weekend of the 16th to check out some of the caterers.
Groomzilla: So we'll drive up Friday morning and hang out at home for the day, then drive to Provincetown on Saturday, spend the night there, and meet with some caterers on Sunday.
Momzilla: (pause, as though she is finishing a crossword puzzle or picking out the right shade of nude nail polish)
G: Does that sound good? So we'll spend the day with you, and then go to Provincetown the next day, just to get an idea, meet some of the caterers...?
M: So...you don't need me to go with you......to help...?
G: Well, I just think that at least for the first time maybe we'll just go, just the two of us, especially since M.'s mom won't be there and I don't want it to be unfair or for anyone to get there feelings hurt...
M: (laughs) Well....I don't think anyone's going to have their feelings hurt....(pause pause pause)....
G: Heh, right...yeah...but...I dunno, I just figured it would make sense for the two of us to go. Plus we want to spend the night in Provincetown...but we're definitely gonna need your input and your advice....(pause pause pause)....so....would that be okay with you?
M: (voice rising a subtle octave) Yes, that's fine....(pause) (paaaaause)
G: Okay....
After that it was mostly her talking about how she's renting a room with two double beds, because she would assume that by that time, my father will have decided to come to the wedding....and me asking, incredulously, if the wedding really hasn't come up in conversation since Dadzilla ruled it Off-Limits....and her saying, "No, I don't think we need to rock that boat until we have to...."
Anyways...my dilemma is, do I invite my mother to meet us on Sunday, or no? On the one hand, I'm excited and touched and happy that she is taking such an active interest and wanting to participate. On the other hand, I feel like M. and I are adults and that maybe this is something we should/could do on our own. But on the third hand, I don't want mom to feel like we're just taking her money, and not wanting her input. And on the fourth hand, I don't want to feel like just because we are taking her money, that we lose creative control of the whole thing. Mainly, though, on the fifth hand, I feel like I might be acting a little bit like an ambivalent teenager who can't decide if he wants to be an adult or crawl into bed at night with mummy. Because, really, she does know what she's talking about. And it is sweet that she's being so gung-ho, and I don't want to send her mixed messages and send her running. But I also don't want to end up with my sister's wedding, or to have M. feel like this is turning into my mother's wedding. We talked about it over dinner, and he's pretty much given the go-ahead to invite her, citing all of the above reasons, which is sweet of him. I just can't decide.
Is this the way it's always going to go? This wanting to have as much QT with my mother as I possibly can, and wanting to have her be involved in my life, and wanting the attention and love and concern, but at the same time pushing her away and being scared that the walls are caving in a little too much and that I'm falling prey to the Guilt Thing again? Wasn't this supposed to fade away with the pimples and awkward posture and hormone imbalances?
What to do what to do what to do.
posted by Groomzilla @ 9:34 PM
6 Comments:
ok, not to bleed the 'rents dry but is there a chance that if she DOES go along and you see and like a caterer/menu that is a little pricey but since she is there, she would see why "x" caterer who wants $5k more is preferred over "y" caterer and then be more willing to stump up the cash for it as opposed to you and M seeing/liking "x" caterer and then having to go back to her later and try to explain why this is a good choice.. you know, like when you're a kid and explaining to mom why you have to have the $200 jacket you saw at the mall instead of the $50 one she sees in the Sears catalogue and then you have to just drag her there and put it on with the puppy dog eyes and pout and then she'll buy it...
I think you should leave her behind. But, is there time to stop by her house again on the way down? You could present her with all the options you and M. have discussed and ask her advice. This way she's included and you get to be grown ups.
I also want to make clear that I am offering this advice from the vantage point of a man who sometimes calls his mother not once, but twice a day.
Oh wait. I'm with Oprah.
invite her to come sunday.
you're laying down a boundary by going by yourselves saturday and staying by yourselves saturday night.
you're being sweet by inviting her to come sunday. oprah's reasons are great for this too.
plus it was just heartbreaking how hurt she was by not being invited!
plus you can make it fun and joke with her and it won't turn into your sister's wedding b/c YOU'RE GAY!
she wants to be a part of the whole "fabulous" thing. i don't think she'll dictate. i think it's really cute.
Wait a minute...your pimples, awkward posture and hormone imbalances are supposed to fade away?
Oprah, Roy, FB, and even Little D....thanks for the sage words. You're all totally right. It'll make for a better story anyways.
And Michael, no, you're right too, they don't fade away at all, they just migrate.
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