Mein Kampf, Part 375

For the past few days - - okay, since yesterday at least - - I've been Seeing Things. This is nothing new to anyone who knows me, as I am often prone to sharing the fact that I Sometimes See Dead People. More than just at work, I mean. But it's usually late at night in the fuzzy territory between Asleep and Awake, so I can usually explain it away to my overactive subconscious playing tiddlywinks with my REM cycle.

But last night while M. and I were constructing our new IKEA(C) VARDE(TM) kitchen island - - more on this to follow, it has completely transformed my world in less than 24 hours - - I swear I saw little black floaties scurrying around the kitchen floor. More than once.

And so yes, of course, the rational answer was a) mice or b) dust rabbits.

But then it happened again on the subway this morning. So okay, maybe c) just a lingering floaty in my aqueous humor.

Until it happened again when I came back to my desk tonight.

This leads me to one of several conclusions:

1. I'm being followed by mice.

2. I'm being followed by dead people.

2a. I shouldn't have watched the show about mediums on A&E the other night.

2b. I shouldn't have pretended just now that I watched the whole show about mediums the other night, when in fact I only watched the first half, and have every intention of watching the second half sometime later this week, probably right around the time that my brain has started to forget about the first half.

3. I have horrifically sticky eye floaties.

4. I have final and conclusive proof - - in addition to the head aches, stomach aches, random skull bumps, dizziness and general feelings of panic I've experienced over the past sixteen years - - of an enormous brain tumor.


My doomed fate is mitigated only by the fact that I have our new IKEA(C) VARDE(TM) kitchen island waiting for me when I get home, and the recently reached decision that tonight will mark the maiden voyage of our Staub chicken pot.

I persevere.