My Masseuse

This afternoon, in lieu of yoga, I decided to test out the semi-new storefront Chinese shiatsu-foot-rub-reflexology-paybytheminute place around the corner, in an attempt to alleviate my chronic upper back and neck misery which has been particularly flare-y this week.

Here's a minute-by-minute internal account of my thirty minute massage:

Minute 1: Should I have taken my shorts off too? Why is she rubbing my back when I told her all I wanted was my neck and shoulders? What if she didn't understand what I was saying?

2. What's that funny perfume smell? What if she tries to love me long time? She looked fifty, surely she's too old for that. I wonder if the business men at the happy-ending places get a real backrub first? When is she going to get to my neck and shoulders?

3. Aaaahhh. Massage oil.

4. Does massage oil stain? She's touching my shorts with her massage oily hands.

5. Did she just swing her foot up onto the table? Did she just jump over the table?

6. How long has it been? I only paid for thirty minutes. What if she set her little portable timer wrong? Would she really cheat me? What if I fall asleep and the beeper goes off and I scream like I did last week when my yoga teacher rubbed my forehead during savasana?

7. I feel like I'm in a peep show. Or a women's shelter. Or an emergency room. Why don't they put up little walls instead of curtains? I wonder if the girl next door can hear my back being massaged as much as I can hear hers being massaged?

8. Has that tinkly New Age music been playing the whole time? Why aren't they playing Chinese music? Are they even Chinese?

9. What if its a pinched nerve instead of a neck muscle? What if I get paralyzed some day? What am I going to eat at Chipotle tonight?

10. She found the enormous knot over my left shoulder blade. Do her hands hurt? What kind of face is she making? Is she bored?

11. Holy shit, she's moving the knot down my back.

12. Where did she learn this? Is she magic?

13. How much more would it cost to come here every week instead of yoga?

14. Did she just swing her foot up on the table again?

15. Oh my God, she's squatting over my head.

16. I want to pick my head up and see if her feet are really straddling my head. Are her feet clean? What color nail polish is she wearing?

17. Oh no, my face is sticking to the paper on the table.

18. The new girl next door just told her lady she only wanted her shoulders and neck done, too. Does everyone say that? Am I a cliche?

19. I'm never going to yoga again. I'm only coming here. She's fixing everything. I love her. I need to come here every week. Why did she just bend my arm back like she's handcuffing me?

20. Whose phone is ringing?

21. Did that girl's massage lady seriously just stop the massage and start talking on her cell phone? My massage lady wouldn't do that, would she? Does she know she looks like Sandra Oh? Did she look like Sandra Oh? What did her face look like?

22. Do I have zits on my back? How did she get her hand in my skull?

23. Are those her elbows? Her arms must be covered in massage oil. Is she used to that? Does she want to wash her hands? Was she really wearing bright pink lipstick and teased hair? Or was that in a movie?

24. Wait, where did she go? I didn't hear her phone ring.

25. Why is she covering me with hot towels? Did she just cover me with a rain tarp? Did she just sit on my butt?

26. Are those her hands or her feet? Or both? How is it that she's nowhere at all but everywhere at once? Why am I always so stressed out? I am one with the Earth. Was she in the circus?

27. Is this when she lays her breasts on top of me and licks my neck and whispers in my ear that she wants to make me happy?

28. My God, I'm burning up. These hot towels. Did I just hear running water? Is she going to hose me down? Why am I wearing a tarp?

29. She's straddling my back. No, she's standing on my back. She's so light.

30. I can't breathe. She's heavy. Why doesn't she have a bar over her head?

31. OH my God, the beeper went off. That was frightening. Did she say "I'm all finished, you want more time?" or "I'm not finished, you want more time?"? Why is she still rubbing my back? Did she hear me say "No, that's great" or "Oh, that's great"? Is she still charging me by the minute?

32. That was amazing. How did I miss the Please don't take off your underwear sign on my way in?